*trigger warning* rape/sexual assault/rape denial/victim blaming *trigger warning*
Picture this: you’re in a club or bar or wherever you meet people. You are of legal age for the purposes of consent and alcohol consumption. There’s a person (let’s pick the gender-neutral name Sam) you’re interested in and Sam seems interested in you and you kiss and you share a few drinks and the time comes where you try to decide if Sam is going to come home with you to do sexytime things.
You realize the severity of the situation and the risks involved but you’re feeling frisky. Really frisky. You ask how old Sam is, and the response is “22.” But Sam could be lying. Do you ask to see Sam’s ID? The ID could be fake. Is Sam too drunk to know whether he/she* wants to have sex? Are you?
Here’s my proposal: don’t have sex with Sam tonight.
In order to get people to take rape and sexual assault more seriously, our culture needs to take sex more seriously.The biggest paradigm shift required to make this a plausible reality is: don’t have sex with strangers. I know, I know; it happens all the time. But what if it didn’t? What if we all acknowledged that we should be sure of our partner’s actual age and name and STD status before we boinked? Why, in our society, is this so much to ask of a pair of responsible adults? Can we strive towards a culture that values consent over immediate gratification?
Things to remember in Consent Culture:
- If intoxicated, a person is NOT CAPABLE of consent under any circumstances.
- If under 18*, a person is NOT CAPABLE of consent under any circumstances.**
Why is it so ingrained in us that people are entitled to consequence-free casual sex? Is there such a thing? Is there some human right you’re entitled to get laid exactly when you want to?
It may seem like we’re shackling ourselves from some serious fun, but there are a ton of ways in which this mentality could benefit everyone. Some people (particularly Men’s Rights Activists) believe there’s a number of false rape reports filed every day, ruining men’s lives forever as they get branded sex offenders. While I have serious doubts about the validity of this claim, we can all admit that when you take intoxicants out of the equation, when you meet your potential partner more than once, when you verify his/her* age, you will have a lot better idea if he/she* wants to ruin your life or take advantage of you or hurt you.
The tragedy about humans is even with this mindset, even with everyone being more thoughtful and cautious, there are still going to be misunderstandings, regrets, and people who try to game the system to their benefit. There are also going to always be people who are capable of and will carry out sexual assault or rape (christ, that’s the most depressing statement I’ve ever made). Those people should still be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. But if the general shift in culture moved away from one night stands, it would only make clearer any instances of rape or sexual assault.
No matter what anyone says, the potential emotional ramifications of sex are always huge, even in “low stakes” sex. Sure, you may not fall in love with the person you’re having sex with, but you could hurt each other, or traumatize each other, or get pregnant together, and those are all things that can affect someone for life. If we could just idle our sex drives long enough to focus creating a Consent Culture, we could protect ourselves emotionally.
*The legal age of consent in many states in the US is 18 years old. However, I think most of these would apply if you put any of the legal age of consent (although I still laugh at the idea an 18 year old is capable of making potentially life changing decisions – I sure as hell wasn’t.
**This article does not address consensual sex between persons under 18 because that’s a whole other article.
GirlAggro 